According to the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, some people do not recover from alcoholism because they are “constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” (p. 58). Being dishonest results in denial, creating problems, for the alcoholics and those who love them.
Because alcoholism is a family disease, many family members of alcoholics find that they need recovery as much as the alcoholic or addict. In 1935, Lois, the wife of Bill, W., co-founder of AA, recognized her need for recovery when she threw her shoe at her husband. Since then, family members of alcoholics have been applying the 12 steps of A.A.
Denial Versus Acceptance of a Problem
Family members of alcoholics (referred to as codependents) who have attempted to control the alcoholic’s behavior find that their efforts are futile. Even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking, barriers to successful relationship may still exist. Recovering alcoholics frequently refer to alcoholics who are not drinking but still exhibiting poor relationship skills as “dry drunks.”
Dry drunks are individuals who are not drinking but have many of the characteristics of an alcoholic or addict. These include denial about their own character defects and what recovering alcoholics refer to as “stinking thinking.” This may include a victim mentality. One reason for their drinking was likely how badly they perceived they were treated by others. Now that they are not drinking, their persistent criticism of those who love them alienates them from their family and friends.
Just as dry drunks need to be in recovery from alcoholic behaviors, the alcoholic’s family members need to be in recovery when the alcoholic is not drinking. “If at any time we needed Al-Anon, the need does not vanish when sobriety comes into the picture,” says Today’s Reminder in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (p. 10).
Recovering alcoholics, addicts and codependents discover that they have underlying issues that led them to drink or exhibit other compulsive behaviors to avoid pain or responsibility. Facing the real causes of their difficulties coping with life can lead to recovery, but refusing to do so will interfere with recovery for both the alcoholic and the codependent.
Alcoholics and codependents may refuse to admit they have a problem. The answer for both is to take responsibility for their own attitudes and actions. Holding onto anger, blame or criticism rarely resolve complex relational difficulties or solve life’s problems. Instead, recovering alcoholics and codependents are encouraged to approach life “one day at a time” working honestly on their own character defects.
Inability to be Honest with Self
People who are either incapable or unwilling to look at their own behavior honestly are capable of making others as miserable as themselves. The alcoholic expects the codependent to stop criticizing, while the codependent expects the alcoholic to change his or her behavior. If both of those expectations are not met, the difficulties increase, widening the gulf between the alcoholic and the codependent.
“Remember, alcoholism and other compulsive disorders are self-destructive,” Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More [1987] said (p. 112). Friends and family members who try to reason with their alcoholic loved ones may find themselves pulled into dysfunctional interactions that resolve nothing and cause further frustration. When self-destruction is the goal, reason is seldom the solution.
Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude
Along with acceptance of one’s own issues and honesty in dealing with one’s own actions or attitudes, gratitude helps both alcoholics and codependent recover. Being grateful is one way to avoid getting drunk to avoid pain. In the same way, getting the focus away from the alcoholic and onto something else helps the codependent recover.
Looking outside of self and being grateful helps clear the road to recovery for both the alcoholic and the codependent. For alcoholics and codependents, gratitude is the antidote to “stinking thinking.” Living one day at a time is a reasonable challenge for most people without constantly attempting to change the behavior of another person.
Returning to the Road to Recovery
Three roadblocks to recovery are denial, dishonesty and ingratitude. The way out of these counterproductive approaches to life is acceptance of one’s own issues, honesty with self and others and gratitude for life’s daily blessings. Alcoholics and their family members who succeed at overcoming the anger, blame and criticism associated with living with an alcoholic will find their way back to the road to recovery.
Sources:Alcoholic Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism Third Edition. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. 1976.
Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More. New York, NY: Harper-Colllins Publishers, 1987.
One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. New York, NY. Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1988.
Carolyn Cogswell - Carolyn Cogswell has written for publication in newspapers in southeast Missouri, southeast and northeast Kansas and is working on a ...
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